Smells Like Dove Nutrium

Last night I went to Wal*Mart after work to pick up a few things we needed at home, and I found myself wandering into the soap-and-body-wash aisle.

I didn’t need soap or body wash – we have plenty of both at home – but I’m kind of a tramp for things that smell good and I get tired of the soap and body wash we have at home really quickly so I was thinking about buying some more.

But despite the fact that I can identify almost any brand of soap or body wash via smell alone, I still must smell every brand before I decide what to get.

So I started grabbing bottles of body wash and flipping open the lids and sniffing.

I’m pretty sure I was sniffing Dove Nutrium when I had a hand twitch and squeezed, causing the bottle to shoot a bunch of Dove Nutrium directly up my nose, like all the way to my brain. I shot enough of it up my nostril that I got that burning inhaled-pool-water sensation, and I quickly closed the bottle and replaced it on the shelf and grabbed for my nose.

And my nose was seriously full of body wash.

Did I have tissues in my bag? No, of course I didn’t. And I had a cart full of stuff that I couldn’t abandon, and the bathroom was a long way away. And I wasn’t about to go running to the bathroom with a nose full of body wash that was starting to ooze, because what if it bubbled?

I stood there cupping my body-wash-filled nose in the empty aisle for a while wondering how the hell to handle this, and then I made what is probably a pretty gross decision, but hey – in bad situations, you have to make do.

So I kind of scooped up what I was able to get in my hand without like digging or anything, and with a quick snap of my wrist, I flicked the excess out into the aisle where it probably made an old lady slip and break her hip and then she can sue Wal*Mart when really it was all my fault. I rubbed my hands together for a few minutes to rub in the leftover.

And then I kind of snorted up the rest of the body wash in the upper brain region of my nose and headed toward the checkout, after which I raced to the bathroom to wash my hands.

I decided not to buy body wash yesterday after all, but I still imagine I can smell Dove Nutrium today.